Toyota Supra: I really like it, and I think it looks fantastic, but none of those fake vents can easily be made real, despite what the Supra's chief engineer said. Still, even if you disapprove of the BMW underpinnings, you can't deny that it's a lot better than the last notable collaboration between Japan and Germany.
Toyota 86: Probably my favorite car Toyota makes, and now it comes in a really cool green-with-gold wheels color scheme
Toyota Land Cruiser: The official company car of Greenpeace
Toyota Corolla Hatchback: A very nice car ruined by a useless back seat that has about as much space as the back seats in the 86.
Ford Expedition: Do you need to carry seven people and their luggage on long road trips while simultaneously carrying a heavy trailer? If so, you may buy this car. The rest of you can [redacted]
Ford EcoSport: Why would anyone subject themselves to this?
Ford Escape: The only good-looking "compact" crossover
Ford Mach E: I am amazed at the technology on this car. It is so advanced, Ford even managed to make it invisible. There was just a sign for the Mach E, with no actual Mach E in sight. It was almost as though it wasn't even there...
Every full sized pickup truck: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all
GM trucks: Having said that, can you imagine if everyone screwed things up as badly as the person who "designed" these trucks? If we used the grilles to scare off our enemies, we would win every war we entered in about 5 seconds.
Ford Explorer ST: Boo, hiss! Give us the Fiesta ST back!
Volkswagen's crossovers: Very disappointing to see such a total lack of imagination from a company responsible for cars like the Beetle, the Type 2, the Golf, and the Scirocco. I get that they have to make crossovers because that's what people buy, but can't they at least try to make them interesting?
Chevy Corvette: Looks surprisingly small in person, which I like. Also, grey is not its best color. Great car, though, of course.
Chevy Spark: The car Bernie Sanders will buy when he has to replace his Aveo.
Honda Pilot: You would have to be out of your actual @&$!ing mind to buy this car. The Odyssey is way more spacious, and better in every way, and cheaper, and the Pilot offers nothing of any sort of value that the Odyssey doesn't have
Honda Passport: See above, but with two rows rather than three
Hyundai Palisade: Looks like an evil robotic Basking Shark with a severe underbite
Hyundai Kona and Venue: The only subcompact crossovers I like. Venue reminds me of the original Fiat Panda
Hyundai Veloster N: I love this car. It is fantastic in every way. Except the completely pointless three-door layout. Hyundai ought to fire whoever signed off on that.
Kia Telluride: So popular that the dealerships couldn't spare one for the auto show. One guy bought a ticket just to see the Telluride. He was not pleased...
Dodge Journey: Don't start believing (I stole this joke from Consumer Reports, of all places...)
The whole Dodge range: Remember when some scientists discovered the Coelocanth fish, and were amazed at how little it had changed since the time of the dinosaurs?
Jeep Gladiator: The only pickup truck on sale that I really like. Shame it's so expensive...
Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Rubicon EcoDiesel: Do NOT pay $62K for a Wrangler. I don't care how good it is, this is just insane.
Ram 2500 Power Wagon: The other official company car of Greenpeace
GMC Yukon XL Denali: Just sitting in it, I am convinced that this has to be the worst value of any car you can possibly buy. Even if you like huge, chromey, leather-lined SUVs (and I don't), the fact that they are charging nearly $80K and giving you one of the worst interiors of any modern vehicle is completely unforgiveable.
The BMW stand: Only six cars, and only one appealing one. This display was kind of miserable and apathetic.
Nissan Versa: Wins the "most improved" award, if I were to give a "most improved" award, which I don't
The Subaru stand: The only stand at the auto show that has clearly had a lot of effort put into it. There are lots of signs boasting about what Subaru does to help the environment. They forgot to add "sided with Trump to lower fuel economy standards" (#sarcasm)
Rory Cahill is a teenage car enthusiast who, apparently, is considered an influencer despite not being old enough to drive. GM has loaned him cars including a Cadillac CTS, a Chevy Corvette, and a Cadillac ATS-V. He also wrote this entire paragraph in the third person. The snob.